lizamae's Xanga

Photograph

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:02:09 GMT

I was digging through storage boxes in my closet last night when I came across a stash of photographs I'd tucked away. Most of the pictures are stolen from my grandparents' house - since they're gone now, my sister and I laid claim to the relics of our childhood as captured through their lens. Hundreds of pictures of toddler me and my sister, four years older. Smiling, laughing, helping me open Christmas presents, giggling while hoisting me up to touch my lips to the stream of a drinking fountain, hiking in the desert, exploring in the woods, swimming in the lake. Both of us being toted around by our parents. Our parents (ancillary characters), young and fresh. My grandparents, loving and doting.

My memories are so fuzzy I feel like a stranger spying in on these familiar faces. I envy this family. They look fun and happy and perfect.

And then I'm struck that none of the things in these pictures exists today. My sister is more a competitor than caring overseer. My parents are recently divorced. My grandparents are dead. My brother missed these times, and the 11 years between him and my sister seem to have prevented the two of them from being photographed together, ever.

Interspersed in the piles of family pictures are the wallet-sized portraits my friends and I exchanged in high school like trading cards with tongue-in-cheek inscriptions on the back about how sexy I look, and don't you wish you looked as sexy as I look, ha ha ha. Prom and softball and senior pictures. There are also the rare pictures taken with friends through high school and college. I never had a good camera, and film and developing were luxuries low on the list of preferred ways to spend meager means. The sight of many of these faces stings.

As I look at each picture I'm assured these memories are preserved. 28-year-old me can look at baby me, 14-year-old me, 22-year-old me. I may not know that girl anymore, but I can remember her. But I'm keenly aware that even though I have a digital camera, I still rarely take pictures, and without these visual triggers I may have already lost most of the past 5 years.

Who besides me will care?

you don't know what you don't know, you know?

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 16:03:40 GMT

Do you know what "the morning after pill" does? Did you know the morning after pill is available over the counter, without a prescription? Do you know how its different from "the abortion pill"?

Most are aware that reproductive rights are highly politicized, but did you know that the approval of the morning after pill for over the counter distribution was stalled by the FDA for years, not for any valid medical concern, but solely as a result of the views of the current regime and its politics?

I find it *maddening* how ill informed, ill equipped, and ultimately powerless our government leaves us in the face of decisions surrounding our bodies and our families. And it's not people like you or me who suffer as a result - you, the priveleged, the educated, the aware, reading blogs and drinking Starbucks. It's the poor who truly suffer with the unintended pregnancies that perpetuate cyclical poverty.

Margaret Sanger knew in the early 20th century that the key to solving one symptom of poverty was education and access to birth control - to teach and support people in making the choice to not create another mouth to feed. Today's political climate and ridiculous rhetoric of abstinence squelches progress and leaves me with little hope that we have learned or evolved at all in the past one hundred years. Woman and her body are as captive as ever.

Below is a paper* I wrote last semester that reveals some of the gory details of our government's ideological grip over our freedom to choose.

*Please forgive the formatting. I'm too lazy to fix it.

In 2006, after three years of delays, controversy, and heated debate, the FDA approved the emergency contraception pharmaceutical with the brand name "Plan B" for distribution without a prescription to men and women aged 18 and over. Though now available without a written prescription from a doctor, the controversy surrounding Plan B continues as some pharmacists have refused to stock and/or sell the drug based on their personal beliefs, and advocates of the drug are concerned that consumers may not have the information needed to effectively access and use the drug. Several campaigns have launched to educate the public, improve access for those under 18 and victims of sexual assault, and promote cooperation of pharmacies and health care professionals. In this paper, I will assess the "Back Up Your Birth Control" campaign for emergency contraception by reviewing the history of the FDA approval to provide context for the campaign. Then I will analyze several elements of the campaign including audiences, key messages, and strategies.

Plan B is a form of emergency contraception also known as "the morning after pill." The drug is composed of high levels of the hormone levonorgestrel, an active ingredient in many birth control pills. Plan B may prevent pregnancy in one of three ways: by stopping the release of an egg from the ovary; by preventing the fertilization of an egg; or preventing an egg from attaching to the uterus. When taken as directed within 72 hours of intercourse, Plan B may reduce the possibility of pregnancy by up to 89% (Duramed Pharmaceuticals, Inc., 2007). Unlike Mifeprex (also known as RU-486 or "the abortion pill"), Plan B prevents conception and does not affect an existing pregnancy (defined as a fertilized egg already attached to the uterus) (Duramed Pharmaceuticals, Inc., 2007).

Plan B was approved for over the counter distribution to adults over 18 in August of 2006, though the journey to approval was a sordid affair. Plan B was initially approved by the FDA for distribution with a prescription on July 28, 1999 (FDA, 1999). In April 2003, the drug manufacturer filed an application with the FDA to make the drug available over the counter (OTC) without a prescription. In May 2004, the FDA rejected the application, citing concerns about the safety of the drug for adolescents 16 and under due to under-representation of this population in the research sample (Galston, 2004).

After the rejection from the FDA, the manufacturer resubmitted the request for OTC status in July 2004, requesting that sales be limited to older teens and women. Nearly a year later in April 2005, Senators Hillary Clinton and Patty Murray announced they would block the nomination of the new FDA commissioner if the FDA did not make a decision about the OTC status for Plan B. The secretary of Health and Human Services promised a decision by September 1, and the senators lifted their ban. The FDA delayed a decision, citing the need to create rules for enforcing the age restriction on the drug. In September 2005, with no decision handed down, the new FDA commissioner Lester Crawford resigned after five months in office (Associated Press, 2006).

In the midst of this political jockeying, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) published a report which characterized the process the FDA followed to deny the application as "unusual" (GAO, 2005). In the report, published in November 2005, the GAO revealed that Plan B was the only "OTC switch" application between 1994 and 2004 that was not approved after the advisory committees recommended approval. The agency provided four key findings in their report. First, the "not-approvable letter" was not signed by directors that would normally have signed because they disagreed with the decision to block OTC availability. Second, high level management in the FDA was more involved in this case than in other OTC switch cases. Third, the GAO found conflicting accounts of whether the decision to decline the application was made before the review process was complete. Finally, the acting Director of the FDA stated "novel" concerns about the "potential behavioral implications for younger adolescents," and did not follow traditional FDA practice (GAO, 2005).

In March 2006, Senators Clinton and Murray again blocked the nomination of a new FDA commissioner. The FDA requested the manufacturer change its application to seek nonprescription sales for women 18 and older only, and the application was approved in August 2006 (The Associated Press, 2006).

Since the approval of Plan B for OTC distribution, the controversy and confusion has continued. Advocacy groups have launched several campaigns to help cut through the politics and noise to educate the public and raise awareness about emergency contraception availability. One such campaign is the "Back Up Your Birth Control (BUYBC)" campaign for emergency contraception (EC).

The campaign website provides the following overview of the campaign:

"The Back Up Your Birth Control Campaign unites more than 100 national and local medical organizations and women's health advocacy groups to increase awareness of and improve access to emergency contraception. This campaign is coordinated by the National Institute for Reproductive Health, the national research, education and training arm of NARAL Pro-Choice New York" (Back Up Your Birth Control, 2007).

The ultimate goal of the campaign is to reduce unintended pregnancy and "raise awareness of EC and encourage advance provision so every woman has EC on hand before the condom breaks, she forgets to refill her birth control prescription, or she has sex when she didn't want or plan to" (Back Up Your Birth Control, 2007). The campaign contends that "EC still remains the 'best kept secret' in women's health care" and "improved public education is needed to ensure that all women can back up their birth control with EC. The BUYBC campaign is dedicated to providing the information and resources necessary to allow all women, especially young women, to access EC in a timely manner" (BUYBC, 2007).

The campaign is rooted in five key messages. First, "Women need to hear about it. Health care providers need to talk about it. Pharmacists need to stock it." Here, the campaign website asserts that 60% of voters don't know about emergency contraception, and only 6% of women have ever used it. "Know where to get EC." Women should have a plan to get EC from a clinic, a pharmacy, or a doctor. This is especially important for women under 18 who cannot purchase EC over the counter. "You can be prepared. Don't wait for a crisis." In this message, the campaign urges women to have EC on hand in case of an emergency. "The sooner, the better." The longer a woman waits to get and use EC, the less effective it is. The final key message is: "Common sense and common ground." EC is available to prevent unintended pregnancy, and because of the confusion and controversy, its potential impact is largely unfulfilled (BUYBC, 2007).

Experts play a key role in the credibility and success of this campaign. The list of over 100 campaign sponsors includes medical and legal groups, and several women's advocacy groups, including the American Civil Liberties Union Reproductive Freedom Project, Family Health International, Pharmacy Access Partnership, Physicians for Reproductive Choice and Health, and Planned Parenthood Federation of America (BUYBC, 2007). Aligning the campaign a multitude of expert organizations lends credibility to the campaign and the information on the website, and also provides the campaign with several organizations through which to distribute information about the campaign.

The key audience for the campaign is women of reproductive age. Strategies to reach women include grassroots organizing, provider and public education, and the BUYBC day of activism. The website provides a comprehensive overview of the campaign, and has links to all of the campaign partner organization's websites as well as several other websites targeted to populations outside the scope of the BUYBC campaign, particularly teens. The campaign promotes grassroots activities by supplying all campaign materials on their website. The campaign leverages its many cosponsors as arms of the campaign to reach women across the country. Though somewhat disorganized, this method is effective in reaching women with diverse interests and memberships through focused effort on their annual Day of Action. The 6^th annual Day of Action occurred on March 20, 2007.

The symbol of the campaign is Rosie the Riveter – "a symbol of the new freedom women found when they left traditional roles to join the war effort" (BUYBC, 2007). The BUYBC campaign leverages Rosie as a symbol of strength, independence, and a "woman who makes her own destiny" (BUYBC, 2007).

The media relations plan for the campaign is ad hoc. Organizers craft press releases to coincide with the National Day of Action each year, and intermittently release statements to announce campaign activities. The website also encourages women to take action and write Op-Ed pieces for local publications.

The campaign launched February 1, 2002 and is ongoing with no announced end date.

The Back Up Your Birth Control campaign attempts to help women make sense of emergency contraception through the controversy, politics, and mixed messages. The campaign was launched with the noble mission to educate women to prevent unintended pregnancy by having emergency contraception on hand. The reach and credibility of the campaign is enhanced by partnerships with over 100 agencies representing women's advocacy, legal, pharmaceutical, and medical organizations. The comprehensive website includes a wealth of information about emergency contraception and access, as well as links to the partner organizations and to sites targeting populations outside the scope of this campaign, specifically teens. The campaign also wisely uses its website as a means to distribute campaign materials, encouraging those who visit to become advocates. A criticism of the campaign is that it includes too many messages, but the issue of emergency contraception is so complex and the messages have changed so much over time it would be difficult to break the story of Plan B down to just a sound byte. While I believe the campaign does an excellent job of making information available to women, I have never seen campaign materials other than when searching for them explicitly on the internet. The campaign would be more effective if it took a more active approach, sending materials out to display in doctors offices, lobbies and waiting rooms, hospitals, and even social services offices and universities. Direct mail might be another effective way to get messages about emergency contraception to the women who need to hear them. While the drug is available over the counter, I think doctors and women's health care professionals would be the most effective channels through which to distribute information about emergency contraception and how to access it.

In the midst of conflicting and complicated messages and a sordid political history, the Back Up Your Birth Control campaign website cuts through the noise to provide women with clear messages about emergency contraception.

If you've read this far, please don't plagerize me. That would be totally uncool.

References

Back Up Your Birth Control. (2007). 2007: The New Dual-Label Environment. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.backupyourbirthcontrol.org/documents/toolkit/2007-_The_New_Dual-Label_Enviro_1.29.07.pdf.

Back Up Your Birth Control. (2007). What is EC? Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.backupyourbirthcontrol.org/ec/index.htm.

Back Up Your Birth Control. (2007). Talking Points on Emergency Contraception. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.backupyourbirthcontrol.org/documents/toolkit/Talking_Points_on_EC_1.12.07.pdf.

Back Up Your Birth Control. (2007). Campaign Co-Sponsors. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.backupyourbirthcontrol.org/materials/cosponsors.htm.

Duramed Pharmaceuticals, Inc. (2007). Taking Plan B. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.go2planb.com/ForConsumers/TakingPlanB/Default.aspx.

Duramed Pharmaceuticals, Inc. (2007). How Plan B Works. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.go2planb.com/ForConsumers/AboutPlanB/HowItWorks.aspx.

FDA. (1999). Center for Drug Evaluation and Research, Application Number NDA 21045. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.fda.gov/cder/foi/nda/99/21-045_Plan%20B_Approv.pdf.

Galston, Steven. (2004). Letter. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/infopage/planB/planB_NALetter.pdf.

Government Accountability Office. (2005). FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION: Decision Process to Deny Initial Application for Over-the-Counter Marketing of the Emergency Contraceptive Drug Plan B Was Unusual. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.gao.gov/new.items/d06109.pdf.

The Associated Press. (2006). Timeline: History of the morning after pill. Retrieved November 9, 2007 from http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14231721/.

I downloaded radiohead today.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 17:12:29 GMT

You should get a sticker or something for doing it, like when you vote. Something about it feels like democracy.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 15:23:55 GMT

I have 30 minutes before my painful Saturday class begins. I should be catching up on reading, but the book we're in is dense. I know the information in it is relavent and interesting but the weight of it is too heavy for me to carry at 9:05 on a Saturday.

So here I am, dicking around, again.

The work-school double-punch is kicking my ass, and I question myself daily. Am I smart enough. Am I driven enough. Do I have the dedication to do all this. When will someone figure out what a giant fraud I am (in both arenas).

Amidst my raging self-doubt I give myself lectures and pep talks. Failure is not an option. Budget your time and we can get through this. Get organized. Stop dicking around. You know the pain and struggle all pay off in the end. This is good for you. You're no more or less intelligent or capable than any of these other assholes. Think of all the jackasses you know with their Masters'. Are they better than you? Smarter? Then fucking quit whining.

And it works. Most of the time. I kill myself with stress about papers. The stress motivates me to work on them rather than putting it off. I get the work done. I don't disappoint. Then Liza's Raging Self-Doubt rears it's head again, and we start over. It's a vicious, fucking exhausting cycle.

***

Yesterday a coworker seemingly out of the blue invited me to lunch. Well, not just a co-worker. A director in another department. I like and respect the guy, so I was intrigued as to his motives. At lunch, he asked benign questions about my opinions of my current employment. It was perfectly pleasant and harmless.

On the drive back, things got interesting.

He started talking about this organization he's involved in, and how they teach you to evaluate your past to create a new future. That we're all in a rut and repeat our pasts. It sounded, I don't know, kind of freaky I guess, but I was intrigued. He rattled off names of co-workers who had also attended this training. What struck me is I admired these people - I've always thought there's something about them that makes them somehow different, more insightful, more enlightened. He went on to say that for the next several months he would be volunteering his weekends, 9 am to midnight, and one night during the week in addition, so he could be an instructor in this program.

I think the only words out of my mouth during the whole spiel were, "Wow," "Uh huh," and, "That's interesting."

When I got back to my desk, I looked up the organization: http://www.landmarkeducation.com/

Have any of you heard of it?

I kind of freaked out, laughing to myself, "Everyone I work with is in a fucking cult!"
("Cult" might be a little strong, but it is a belief system one subscribes to in an attempt to make sense of life and/or provide meaning, which, for me, places it in the realm of religion. The leap to "cult" is not a far one.)

one of us! one of us! one of us!

Seriously, I'm so ignorant and naive. I didn't believe shit like this exsisted, and I can't believe people I like and respect subscribe to this kind of bullshit.

These are the things that keep life interesting.

Priorities

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 14:49:15 GMT

In a diary I kept in high school, after the first one finally happened, I started to keep a list of boys I'd kissed. (I also kept a list of concerts I'd been to that I wish I still had, but anyway)

I wonder who was on it, and what happened to all those boys on that list. I remember the first, and some in the middle, but which was the last name I wrote? I wonder what happened to the list. (I imagine it sitting in a pile of notebooks at my parent's house, or rotting in a landfill, or maybe it was recycled and lives on as a toilet paper roll or something)

It's funny how things change - I remember how momentous a kiss was. How giddy I'd be when I got home, opened my diary, and added a name to the list. Then I would mull it over, touching a finger to each name, my finger telling my lips, and my lips taking me back to each of those moments in time - happy when they happened, sad or indifferent when they ended. But the thrill - the thrill of that first kiss was always there, ingrained. (Time has way of distorting memory, making each moment better or worse than it was in it's own time.) I remember how important that list was to me. To document. To remember.

Now here I am, ten (or more) years later. I stopped measuring relationships by kisses sometime in college, and now, being married, I have nothing to keep track of. Even the short list of people I've slept with is hazy these days. It's funny how time changes what's important to us. The things we take for granted. It's sad to lose that feeling - that thrill. (When did it go? When the list got to 5? Or 10? Or is there always that moment of sparked anticipation as lips draw together like magnets? It's been almost 5 years since my last first kiss. I guess I still feel a spark sometimes in those moments of warm breathed anticipation, faces drawn close, noses brushed against one another, but is it possible for the 3 millionth kiss to feel the same as the first?) I miss the days when a kiss was so much more.

When it was everything.

***

I listen to an NPR blurb about worldwide poverty and the people who live on $1 a day or less. I think about what it must cost me to operate this car I'm driving, the payment, the gas, the oil changes, the tires, maintenence. And what I ate for breakfast, how much did that cost? The $5-7 I'll drop on lunch. And the daily cost of my mortgage, electricity, cable. Clothes, cosmetics, magazines. Computers, videogames. Fucking starbucks and satellite radio. That trip to the grocery store. The shalowness and frivolity of it all, and how infrequently I think about it, let alone question it. I just... I just want shit.

It's gotta cost $50 to $100 a day to support me.

What would I do with only $1?

And what could I be doing with the other $49?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 01:25:41 GMT

Anxiety manifests itself in me most noticeably in stomach knots and itchy red spots of eczema on the backs of my hands.

The first paper I've written in 5 years was due last week, and the stress of it was eating me alive, most notably in the moments when the paper left my hands and when it returned.

Students who have had this professor in other classes warned the rest of us that he would mar our papers with red ink, copy editing and critiquing our writing with red until there was no white space left.

In writing and editing and editing and editing, I scoured and scrutinized each comma, capitalized letter, obliterating any passive voice. Reading and rereading and changing one word here, and did I defend this well enough, and yeah that sounds better until I could read and edit no more.

When it left my hands, I felt good enough. I did all I could, I told myself. I couldn't have done any better.

When I got it back, knotted stomach, shaking itchy hands, I skimmed through it eagerly, bracing for red copy edits, searching with borderline panic for the number that would tell me if I was worthy, if I was right, if I was good enough to be here.

And I was immediately reminded of my penchant for performing under pressure.

Without pressure, I laze and daydream.

With pressure, I'm all knots and energy and productivity, working endlessly to achieve whatever result is necessary to make the pressure subside.

It works for me. I hate it and it sucks, but it's these moments where I really know what I'm made of and amaze myself with what I can do and what I can learn when I feel it's all on the line.

On to the next paper.

(There were hardly any red marks and I got full points. Eight pages of bullshit is easier than I thought.)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 02:10:58 GMT

I dreamt I fell... off the platform of an open-air elevator... I could see the ground, down 5 floors or more... I was going to fall and fall and fall and die... I was frozen with helplessness and fear.... as I fell down, a ribbon or belt or tie flew up (imagine the piece of fabric that ties around the waist of a bathrobe)... and fractions of a second before I was gone for good, he reached out and grabbed the very end... the belt pulled taught and he pulled me up, effortlessly.

I held him more tightly and lovingly than ever before, sobbed, beamed with gratitude.

My husband.

("Husband" is a word I use almost daily when I talk about him, but it still sounds so foreign... husband... how can a word feel so right and wrong at the same time?)

When I woke up, though consciously I know he had done nothing, I felt a renewed sense of appreciation for him. Appreciation, affection, love, commitment, fulfillment. And was reminded of how lucky I am.

So fucking lucky.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 02:33:59 GMT

I have a couple things to say.

First, the "footprints" report both completely fascinates me and kind of wigs me out. Two searches that landed on my page included: "bleed through swimsuit" and "how to make a chaitini." Hmmm.

Next, I have been working. A lot, and hard, and I am tired, and I'm still having a hard time finding the words to express myself that used to come so easily, hence the lack of updates here.

In addition, my diet and schedule are completely out of whack. There are no refrigerators and few mircrowaves in the office, so I live on granola bars and diet soda. I'm getting squishy. I get home and I'm completely drained. I also had a really rough bout with what I thought was a cold/flu/plague but turned out to be allergies. Something is fucking me up.

I started using the birth control patch. It's stuck toward the top of my right butt cheek, and in the past day or so the spot has started to feel like a deep muscle bruise. Not sure if this is normal or some freak weird side effect completely unique to me. It's irritating as hell though.

My grandmother died a year ago yesterday. As with everything right now, I can't find the words to express what I've been thinking.

We bought our first Mac. A MacBook. I don't get to use it too much because I can't get it away from J. Ever. The couple times I touched it, though, it was sweet.

J has been trying to talk me into watching the movie "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" for over a year. I watched half of it at some point and deemed it crap. Completely craptacular. Well, somehow it showed up on our TiVo, and, desperate for entertainment, I watched it. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend. Best stupid ass stoner movie I have ever seen. EVER.

I'm not much for reading books or watching movies more than once, but I watched this stupid movie twice in a week. IT'S JUST THAT GOOD.

Some gems from the film include:

"I'm hungry as balls." (Seriously, I love that line. Hungry as balls. tee hee)

"Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?" (This also tickles me to no end... I had the biggest crush on Doogie circa 1989.)

Kumar: "What kind of a hippie are you?"
Hippie: "What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie. I understand the concept of supply and demand."

...and...

Goldstein: "Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching 'The Gift'. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie."
Harold: "Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?"
Rosenberg: "Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs."
Goldstein: "The things I would eat out of her ass! You have no idea!"
Rosenberg: "Ugh! That is a completely vulgar statement."
Goldstein: "So is, 'I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor,' but it's true."
Rosenberg: "Touché."

Finally... J is fixated with zombies. He asked me to look up this book, which I encouraged him to buy immediately. I leave you with this. Ciao.

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tue, 09 May 2006 01:21:24 GMT

When you’re billing hourly and you make what they’re paying me, you work when you’re at work and if you’re not working you go home. When you’re at home, you’re eating, reading, bathing and sleeping. Maybe working out. Resting your brain and staying away from work.

I used to burn extra time, empty minutes, the creative energy that spilled over on some days writing poems and quips and blogs. By grossly overpaying me, however, my new company gets the benefit of 100% of my productivity, time and attention. When I get home (intellectually, anyway), I have nothing left to give. Nothing left to say. No words to write.

***

I bought golf clubs this weekend.

I have never golfed in my life.

***

On the short list of ways to blow my new found fortune is laser hair removal. Anyone have any experience with it? Shaving and I don't get along so well, and lord knows waxing and I aren't even on speaking terms.

(That trip to the salon resulted in a heinous skin infection down there. It was disgusting.)

What I want to know is:

How well does it work?

How badly does it hurt?

How much does it cost?

***

My new favorite drink is the Chaitini. One part Voyant, ½ part amaretto, ½ part vanilla Stoli. Sounds kind of weird. Tastes like heaven.

I think I’ll shake one up now.

Ciao.

Chapters

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 20:07:12 GMT

Two years ago I was wasting away at a job I hated, waiting without anxiety for the next round of layoffs. Will it be me this time? Or have I been chosen to stay? Fact of the matter is I never gave in to the drama - I never cared.

I learned that I face job change, forced or otherwise, without fear. I believe I have some degree of control in this world, but in the same breath I know I have none. So whatever happens will come to pass, and I will deal with it in whatever fashion I will. Although most of us don't like change (especially change we don't expect or can't control), it always happens and always will, and I will always deal with it because I have to. Are there other options?

I somehow survived layoff after layoff, all the while interviewing. Searching. Going after jobs I wanted much less frequently than jobs I didn't.

A year ago I was excited that I had not only found a new job, but a kick ass job with a well respected global entity. I owned my function entirely without a maniacal boss breathing over and tinkering with and fucking up and taking credit for my work. I stood on my own to sink or swim. I focused on what I wanted to do and did a damn fine job. Damn fine. And though I hated the party planning and got to do a lot less writing than I'd hoped, I liked my job. After busting my ass all year, a disappointing merit increase was the first sign that this place may not be all I'd dreamed of. But it wasn't enough to send me looking.

...Until a couple weeks ago when the announcement was made that our office would be closing, and the 200 people here would be without jobs. I took the announcement like a champ, but high anxiety lingered under the surface because jobs like mine are few and far between. Good faith efforts would be made to place anyone they could within the business, but there are only two other people in the state with my job, and neither is going anywhere anytime soon. And I sure as fuck am not relocating to Wisconsin or Charlotte for a job I'm not dying to keep. I quickly updated my resume and applied to the three relevant jobs I found out of the thousands posted on monster, career builder, craig's list, and wherever else I looked.

The one I got was one I had skipped over, thinking the pay range and qualifications were out of my league. They contacted me. One contact, one interview, one offer. In one week. It never happens like that, how could I be so lucky?

My last day here is Friday. I leave behind a job I like but, in retrospect, could never love. It may have taken me years to think twice about this job had the opportunity to think otherwise not been forced on me.

Since learning of the layoff, I've found that several people I know have been through it before and most, however they perceived it at first, refer to the experience as "a blessing in disguise" or like terms. My blessing was never disguised. Maybe weakly veiled for a few days, but never disguised.

I go into this new opportunity with new focus and ideas and resources. I am excited; unafraid. What do I have to be afraid of? Failure? I have never failed before and don't intend on starting now.

One chapter ends Friday.

The next starts on Monday.

How will it read?