| | I have 30 minutes before my painful Saturday class begins. I should be
catching up on reading, but the book we're in is dense. I know the
information in it is relavent and interesting but the weight of it is
too heavy for me to carry at 9:05 on a Saturday.
So here I am, dicking around, again.
The work-school double-punch is kicking my ass, and I question myself
daily. Am I smart enough. Am I driven enough. Do I have the dedication
to do all this. When will someone figure out what a giant fraud I am
(in both arenas).
Amidst my raging self-doubt I give myself lectures and pep talks.
Failure is not an option. Budget your time and we can get through this.
Get organized. Stop dicking around. You know the pain and struggle all
pay off in the end. This is good for you. You're no more or less
intelligent or capable than any of these other assholes. Think of all
the jackasses you know with their Masters'. Are they better than you?
Smarter? Then fucking quit whining.
And it works. Most of the time. I kill myself with stress about papers.
The stress motivates me to work on them rather than putting it off. I
get the work done. I don't disappoint. Then Liza's Raging Self-Doubt
rears it's head again, and we start over. It's a vicious, fucking
exhausting cycle.
***
Yesterday a coworker seemingly out of the blue invited me to lunch.
Well, not just a co-worker. A director in another department. I like
and respect the guy, so I was intrigued as to his motives. At lunch, he
asked benign questions about my opinions of my current
employment. It was perfectly pleasant and harmless.
On the drive back, things got interesting.
He started talking about this organization he's involved in, and how
they teach you to evaluate your past to create a new future. That we're
all in a rut and repeat our pasts. It sounded, I don't know, kind of
freaky I guess, but I was intrigued. He rattled off names of co-workers
who had also attended this training. What struck me is I admired these
people - I've always thought there's something about them that makes
them somehow different, more insightful, more enlightened. He went on
to say that for the next several months he would be volunteering his
weekends, 9 am to midnight, and one night during the week in addition,
so he could be an instructor in this program.
I think the only words out of my mouth during the whole spiel were, "Wow," "Uh huh," and, "That's interesting."
When I got back to my desk, I looked up the organization: http://www.landmarkeducation.com/
Have any of you heard of it?
I kind of freaked out, laughing to myself, "Everyone I work with is in a fucking cult!"
("Cult" might be a little strong, but it is a belief system one
subscribes to in an attempt to make sense of life and/or provide
meaning, which, for me, places it in the realm of religion. The leap to
"cult" is not a far one.)
one of us! one of us! one of us!
Seriously, I'm so ignorant and naive. I didn't believe shit like this
exsisted, and I can't believe people I like and respect subscribe to
this kind of bullshit. 
These are the things that keep life interesting.
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| | Posted 2/3/2007 9:23 AM - 29 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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